I am who I am...but am I really who I say am or Am I whom I am, because I think I am that?
I must say, it is quite frustrating and very much of a rude awakening to learn that you aren't who you thought you were. I know it is must seem crazy that a person doesn't know who they are. Believe me...I am just as in shock as the next person.
Often times, I struggle with trying to understand just how I got to this point. Where were the warning signs? Was it a sudden change? A gradual change? Or is it something that has been inherent inside of me, but external stimuli allowed it to manifest and show its self.
Sometimes it takes a situation or a special someone to open your eyes and call you out on your faults. And believe you me...the faults..or rather the real you can be uglier than a star nosed mole. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star-nosed_Mole). You would think that at the age of 26, I might have it all figured out or at least partily, but unfortunately I don't and I feel like I am really just learning the real me.
Have I been living a lie or a facade this entire time. I hate to think that I have, but it is a very real reality that that just might be what it's been. I am not content with this person that I am, have been or have become, but the hardest part besides facing the music is figuring out how to stop being that person. Can you really change who you are before you have accepted who you are?
I feel like people can change their perceptions and attitudes-- a large portion of what makes us who we are, but how can you change yourself if you haven't accepted who you are? And how can I accept myself for who I am if I don't understand how I got to be who I am? Is that even necessary or important to know how I got to be who I am in order for me to change things about myself that I don't particularly like?
We all have issues that we struggle with...some people accept their struggles, some people mask their struggles, some people suppress their struggles, some people are unaware of their struggles, and some people hide from their struggles. Any one of us could fall into any one of those categories, but what category we fall in dictates in many ways how we deal with and see life...
Lord knows that this is not an easy task... I constantly ask God for answers. Because this not only affects me as a person, but it has a tremendous impact on others that are around me, especially the people I truly love and care about.
Not knowing exactly who you are or accepting who you might be can destroy friendships, relationships, and ultimately yourself, because within that thus you struggle to find true happiness. How can you find happiness if you can't accept your situation and where you stand? How can you expect to get better and be satisfied if you don't know who you are?
What if the real me...the person I think I am is someone who can't be fixed or repaired? What if its too late, or what if who I am is a someone that cannot be fully loved because I am who I am in reality and who I say I am? What if I have not only deceived myself, but deceived the person who fell in love with me? Then what? Are we left to part ways after finding love within each other? Or did we find love in a person who is not real, someone who was mistaken to be something she is not. That is a hard pill to swallow, that our struggles, our love, and our time was spent in vain, because I am not who I say I am and I am someone else. Someone not as pretty as the bright yellow sunflower that makes people smile upon sight, the person that I allowed everyone else to think that I am, but rather the dried up black rose that never knew that it was intended to be as pretty as the color of passion .
When will I find peace within myself? How do I accept and understand me for me? All these questions that race backwards and forth through this racetrack called my mind, when will I get the answers to my questions and my prayers.
Only God knows the answers to my questions, and only he knows my future and my destiny. And I will find out in due time, but what God says I must do, then I must then do what he says regardless of difficulty (that's the hardest part), but I know it works...just have to have faith, trust, believe, and full commit thyself.
